Dementia and Me

September 2019

The last years of my working life I was a proofreader and transcriptionist for court reporters. I had worked in the past as a legal secretary and after that operated a weekly newspaper for several years. Reading and proofreading were a natural fit. I had clients all over the country and provided these services via email.

About 15 years ago I began to overlook things, and I missed seeing things that were right in front of me. Needless to say that did not bode well. I had some testing done and a PET scan which pointed to some vascular issues and at that time I was diagnosed with MCI, mild cognitive impairment. The major findings related to the left side of my brain. I retired and returned to an earlier interest of mine, drawing and painting.

This I did full time for about ten years, showing and selling my work in art festivals until it began to be just too stressful for me. My short-term memory began to worsen and I was referred for further neurological testing and another PET scan in 2016, this time with contrast. “Mixed dementia” was the diagnosis this time, with vascular dementia now confirmed and some markers in the parietal region indicating early Alzheimer’ s. I found this latest report depressing, as I imagined all sorts of scenarios to come. I still do.

I continued to drive an automobile for only one more year. When I realized my peripheral vision was becoming limited, and my awareness and concentration faulty, I sold my car and voluntarily gave up the independence of running my own errands. This has meant my daughter now runs my errands and drives me to any appointments I may have. (I have used Lyft on two occasions but of course I prefer her company.)

Even so, I was able to run a small Internet-based storefront until quite recently, selling parchment craft supplies imported from Australia which was a joy. I gave that up when it, too, became stressful. In fact, I did screw up some orders when shipping out three or four at the same time. It was time to throw in the towel.

So we come to the present.

Yes, the issues with my memory and cognitive abilities have worsened as one would expect. I think I have at least one more year at the current level. One major and primary lesson has been to stop beating myself up. Frequently someone helps me to find an item I’ve been looking for that is actually right in front of me. I have had to learn to acknowledge the incident and move on.

I actually have allowed myself to “just” watch TV and do nothing once in awhile. But that is not easy. Often I drop things, misjudging distances when placing books or drinks on a table. I’m getting used to it. These are just a few of the adjustments that have become necessary and I am sure there will be more.

I have always been a workaholic, a Type A personality, taking on tasks most people would never dream of. I taught myself to use a computer back in the MS-DOS years. I was a single parent when my two offspring were teenagers. They were both into sports and any parent knows that is an expensive period of time. But because multi-tasking was a way of life for me, not multi-tasking now is difficult.

Still I do at least two things at once, such as listening to a book on Audible while I scribble-sketch in my art journal, or work on small paintings, and I do keep up with politics on TV. I am on Twitter every day to get breaking news and opinions. (My doctor says I’m the only 77-year-old she knows who’s on Twitter.) Politics has always been a part of my life and that began at a very early age. I learned at my father’s knee, so to speak, as he participated in discussions with other adults. I was often a county delegate.

The Trump years have been for me a tragic time. It was beginning to appear that the Constitution and its rules were to be ignored and perhaps one day forgotten. I sincerely hope our system holds for generations hence. There are those from the medical community on Twitter expressing belief that Donald Trump suffers from dementia. Maybe. But he is aging too, having lived a much different lifestyle than my own. He has partied much harder than I ever could have.

It is good that I don’t have to travel. The major trips on my bucket list have been taken. I had planned several years ago to take a train trip around the country (where trains still go) but now I’m not sure I want to travel on the DART system even to the zoo. (It’s still on my list.)

As is true for most anyone, there have been tragedies in my life, sad times, heartbreaks, things I still wish had been different. Things I still remember. But how many of us can honestly say our lives went the way we had planned? Every night I dream long, movie-length dreams, and lately my dreams are populated with nearly everyone I have ever been close to or affected by. When I take stock the next morning it is fascinating that the people and places in my dreams span decades of time, yet are all contributing to the same drama. Perhaps it’s always this way.

I recently found a therapist who is perfect for where I am now in my life. She is a great sounding-board. She serves to remind me that it’s okay to slow down some, to let go of my own self-imposed pressures; that feeling regret or any guilt over things done or not done serves no purpose.

There really is an entire world out there that is out of my control. It is okay for me to sit back and watch. The most important thing I have learned from her is that I need only get through today.

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