I Can Clear My System In 90 Days.

Writing this is a form of therapy for me, I can’t talk about how I feel to anyone but my notepad’s definitely gonna lend ears to my rage, anguish and melancholy. It’s in the wee hours of the day on the coast of a French-speaking West African country and I’m listening to a playlist laden with songs by Jaden, Taylor Swift and Lana del Rey over my soundbox.

So, here’s the gist, I got served breakfast a couple of days ago (ain’t sure if it’s technically breakfast) and yeah, it got to me. Imagine, hard guy like me.

I’ve been wading in a mire of sadness, near-depression and broken-heartedness. I’m red-eyed, puffy-faced, snotty-nosed at the moment and it’s not a pretty sight; it’s so embarrassing and unmanly but I’m way past the point of caring. I had y’all there for a moment, lol. I actually haven’t shed a single tear but definitely experienced twinges of something akin to hollowness, cascades of anger, jealousy, nostalgia and shockingly, happiness (sounds weird right?).

I never envisaged the moments that led up to this point but I guess never knowing what comes next, not knowing what’s gonna happen is what lends spice to life. She reached out to me in the most quirky manner ever and I still vividly remember what she said when she slid into my DM (no way I’m sharing that. Lol). I ain’t gonna lie, it made me feel all warm inside (now, my alter ego who has definitely been experiencing paroxysms of schadenfreude over the past couple of days warned me back then: “that way lies premium tears”) but I was like “let’s go see what’s tugging on the other end of the rope, ain’t no harm in that”.

I finally met her in person and yeah, I was nervous and I think my speech was punctuated with a couple of stutters but I survived (thankfully, our meeting was brief). Did I mention that I fell in love with her voice? Her accent and the way words rolled smoothly off her tongue was so sexy and alluring that I could spend all day just listening to her talk.

Going forward, we hung out, vibed, then we had a falling out but we sorted it out and that was when I fell off the ledge into waters I’ve dreaded for quite a while.

Taking a line from Shaybo’s verse on Jorja Smith’s Bussdown, “I fell so hard, so deep, wore my heart up on my sleeve”. I enjoyed being with her, she was the first and only person who’d repeatedly address me by my middle name (even after several protests from me. I grew to like it anyways), she made me feel safe, at ease. I knew she could hold my reins and I belonged with her or so I thought, so I decided to open up and let her in, albeit slowly because having experienced the fickleness of human interactions several times over, I had adopted several defense and coping mechanisms that became so deeply entwined with my person and I was scared of the concept of fully committing myself to anyone or being so invested in anything.

Fast forward a couple of weeks after her birthday, I got busy with school work, trying to get my sh*t together and it wasn’t coming easy. I think this was part of what led up to everything going sideways because I couldn’t make out time to go over to her place to see her and our conversation over text started having lapses.

A day prior to when I got served breakfast, she hit me up after about a week of us not being in touch with each other and I told her how I felt about she leaving me on read and now hitting me up after a week had lapsed. I got my reply the following day, one thing led to the other in our conversation (with me finally telling her about my vulnerability, she apologizing for giving me space, we talking about what I wanted us to be) and finally, I got served the memo that she was already in a relationship. It was like there was a rapid decline in temperature because I felt a chill wash over me and it dawned upon me that I had lost her.

It might be selfish of me, but I feel it was cruel of her to make me feel all I felt and finally settle for someone else. I mean she must have known I was going to let her in, she could have held on a little longer but I guess no one fancies uncertainty and her choice was quite logical.

However brief whatever we had was, one thing I know for sure was that everything I felt therein was true and ‘twas amazing. She’s one of the few who tugged on my heartstrings, made me feel alive and wanted.

Here are the lessons I learnt:

No one owes you anything, whatever choices they make are theirs and there’s nothing you can do about that.

I’ll be going back to my lifestyle of drifting amongst the opposite sex, won’t be so invested in anyone for quite a while. I’m still feeling blue but I can clear my system in 90 days.

Shoutout to everyone who had to get over someone they technically didn’t date. Ko easy mehn

Peace, love and spaghetti.

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