My Dream Last Night Messed Me Up A Little

Last night I dreamed about my exes, or at least, the ones who mattered to me. Except the woman who never hurt me. So, to be more precise, I dreamed about the exes who hurt me and also mattered to me.

The last one I saw was the one I had the briefest relationship with out of the ones who showed up. It was a little summer romance the year I turned 19. He and I were both kind of fuckboys at the time. I just happened to be honest about it. I never pretended I wasn’t seeing other people. It didn’t hurt that he saw other women. It hurt that he lied about it.

I don’t care about non-monogamy. If anything, my last relationship (also my first fully monogamous one) taught me that I require non-monogamy, among other things. I no longer believe it to be a preference. It is a necessity for me that I am allowed some form of non-monogamy. The same way I can be committed to multiple friendships, I see no reason why I should have to commit myself to just one person romantically, or romantic-adjacently. That might make sense to other people. It doesn’t make sense to me.

The dream ended with me asking why he wouldn’t just help me look for something that was lost, since it was his fault it was missing in the first place. I had asked him to hold onto it. He was reckless with it, he lost it, and now he wouldn’t even help me look for it.

This was how each one appeared to me. They hurt me in similar ways to how they hurt me in real life.

I woke up crying, all up in my feelings. It was the first time I can remember waking up crying since I was in high school and had a dream that my girlfriend was hit by a car and died.

I woke up feeling weird. That’s the easiest way to describe it. Out-of-place can also work. There was a big ball of…something…sitting in my chest. It was overwhelming. I wanted to finish crying. I still do.

As I drank my coffee, I wondered why I had this dream. Why would they all appear to me last night? The night after I had a dream where I finally settled my attachment to aforementioned woman?

And it occurred to me, I’m not as okay with ending up a middle-aged spinster as I thought I was. I’m also realistic. Even my top three requirements in a lifelong partnership would be damn hard to…

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