Do You Use Love to Get Love?

When all is said and done, I think people largely have good intentions. I think people prefer to have win-win situations for the most part. But I do not think that some people are equipped to meet their needs in ways that benefit everyone involved.

Nowhere is this more insidious than when one uses love and affection to get love and affection. What exactly does this look like? I’ll give you some examples with things that happened in the past week.

A relative asks you to accompany them somewhere, but you say no. Because they aren’t getting what they want, they begin arguing about your resistance to their request until it gets to a fever pitch and they leave in a huff. They then return with some stuff you like.

It is certainly possible that in giving you some things that you like that this is their way of apologizing. Even if that were true, this isn’t an apology. This is an attempt to get them back on your good side. This isn’t expressing remorse. This is not acknowledging that they refused to acknowledge your no.

Also, this just papers over the cracks because this same incident will happen again because there is no accountability.

Here’s another example: you’re attracted to someone but they don’t feel the same. They’ve told you this more than once. But it seems as if you won’t take their no for an answer.

You’ve watched this rom-com plot lots of times. All you have to do is be callous (if they’re a heterosexual girl), be saccharine (if they’re a heterosexual guy) or look at what they lack and be that for them. That way they get accustomed to you and can’t live without you.

You love them so much that you will give them whatever affection they appear to enjoy in order to get love and affection from them.

Yet another example is when you barely have a relationship with someone. But as soon as they see that you have something that they want, they turn on the charm. They have not gotten the chance to know you, they haven’t thought about what you want and they haven’t even considered that incompatibility may be an issue.

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