How To Work For An Introvert

Yep, it’s possible. Even for extroverts.

A few years ago I took a new role in a new function, with a new team, at a new building, with a new boss. I had a feeling it would be worlds different, and I knew strong relationships would be vital to my success — specifically the one with my new boss.

About a month into the role I remember walking out of a 1–1 meeting with him feeling discouraged. It hadn’t gone well.

There had been these long, awkward silences. I found myself trying to clarify my questions, and we couldn’t even get to all of the topics I wanted to cover.

I was frustrated.

One day he casually mentioned he was an introvert. There it was. I, as a strong extrovert, was reporting to a strong introvert.

Thus began a journey into understanding how to work effectively with him.

Looking back I wish someone would have sat me down and told me the following 6 tips.

Whenever I asked my boss a question, there was a period of silence before he would talk. I assumed one of the following had to be true:
-I had given the wrong level detail.
-The words I’d chosen were confusing.
-I hadn’t given him enough background information.
-I was wrong and he didn’t know how to tell me.

So what would I do to “fix” the situation? I would fill that silence with more words. I would paraphrase. I would give more detail. I would clarify my first statement. None of which helped. Because what he doing during that silence? He was thinking.

THINKING!

As an extrovert, this silence was excruciating. With each second that went by I thought of more ways that I’d failed in the conversation. To my introverted boss, that same silence was beautiful. It allowed him to process, think, and prepare his response.

So let there be silence.

Time to think is important to introverts so when I started sending my questions 24 hours before our 1–1 meetings, I had more success getting them answered. Most times he would even have written out answers to my questions, showing me he had taken my inquires seriously.

Our group frequently needed to come up with new ideas to solve problems, so we spent a decent amount of time brainstorming. Being my extroverted self, I would gather a group of people in a conference room and announce it was time to brainstorm. There would be maybe 3 seconds of silence, then one of us extroverts would shout out an idea, and another would add to it.

Our whole meeting would go by and I would realize at the end that I never heard from my boss. How frustrating. The one person I was hoping to hear from spent the entire meeting listening and not contributing any ideas. Thankful he showed up, but I felt like I couldn’t unlock the value of his experience.

In reality, I was not creating an environment where everyone could contribute. So I started sending specific questions or topics I wanted to brainstorm on earlier in the week. Then, to start the discussion, I would hand out post-its and request ideas be written down in silence. The quiet created space for my introverted manager to think, and allowed my extroverted colleagues to scribble out as many ideas as were running through their brains.

In this role, my manager and I would regularly present together. We would spend hours preparing, and the minute we left the conference room after presenting I was eager for feedback. Him? He was exhausted. I learned over time that I received more helpful feedback if I waited a couple of hours or even until our next 1–1 meeting to ask for feedback.

Over the course of the year that I reported to that manager, I would regularly find him somewhere by himself. Whether it was the cafeteria or a conference room, there he was all alone. Mistaking this for loneliness, I would sit with him. This was the opposite of what he wanted. After a few instances of this, he kindly explained he just needed a few minutes to get his energy back. He wasn’t mad, sad, or lonely. He just needed to reenergize.

As an extrovert, if you ask me a question, I’ll use a lot of words in my response. I think out loud. Specifically to an introvert, my “thinking out loud” can cause confusion over my final answer. In an attempt to help them sort through all of my comments, I have learned to summarize. Giving a summary of my answer allowed my manager and I to move through our conversation more smoothly, and helped me make sure he knew what my “final answer” was.

Working for that manager has been a highlight of my career. Because he prioritized my development and gave opportunities for me to feel ownership of my work, I grew more in those two years than the rest of my career combined. My extreme extroversion paired with his introversion had many benefits, and after a few adjustments, we were able to realize them.

NOTE ADDED ON 3/16/23- If you enjoyed this topic, I finally wrote on the flip side of this topic: how to work with an extrovert located here. Enjoy!

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