I Want to Stay

This is home now

After so many months
spent thinking,
doubting
and just glimpsing
the memories that made life hard
in a new place,
I feel at peace again.
It took a while to see it
as my home,
the one I want to have
for years to come.

New language and traditions,
the way words sound,
the gestures, music
and the hard distinctions
made me feel like a tourist
while living here.

Something has changed this fall.
I look at the same things
and they feel mine,
not borrowed.
I’m not a visitor.
Not anymore.
And letting go of that flitting state
when you think
you can leave any second
brings peace flooding back in.
With calm thoughts
and a thread
that leads to new beginnings.

Seeing yourself on visit
while living in a new place
can look like freedom
but it’s not.
It turns you into shadow,
you feel you are intruding,
a mere stranger
in the tapestry
of dreams
that others build here every day.

Taking the plunge, connecting
your life in depth
to a new country
takes will and
so much love.
You must be willing to hear
new music
in foreign words
that doesn’t sound
like any that you used to sing.

Guided by smiles
connection glows in steps.
Some days it’s slow,
on others you take leaps
and know
that you are here to stay.
Because now
you want to
for the first time.

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