Rep. Donovan Confused By Number Of People Asking Him Questions

*Satire Ahead!*

“He just managed to get out of a phone booth he was locked in for nearly a year.” said Donovan’s wife Serena. “He just wanted to have some coffee, do the rounds. Where in these events did it say ‘Come have coffee, but also grill me about my job?’”

Early social-media posts seem to reinforce the idea that Donovan had no intention of answering questions, instead thinking it would be a series of coffee-tasting events with light chit-chat, primary pertaining to preferred roasting styles. In a tweet two hours before a Staten Island event, Donovan’s official House of Representatives account posted a photo of a Starbucks gift card with the caption “Are they still doing Pumpkin Spice??? So excited.”

“When we brought him into the school cafeteria he seemed genuinely confused,” said Community Affairs officer Robert Patrick, who helped provide security at the Fort Hamilton High School event. “He asked if I was the barista, and where the counter was to order a mocha latte. He barely understood why all these seats were arranged to face him.”

Many of the Representative’s questions pivoted toward caffeinated beverages to no avail. One common theme across all five events was Donovan’s habit of interrupting questions to interject the phrase, “Gee, is anyone thirsty? I sure am.” while looking optimistically around the room, before slumping back into his chair.

Sources close to the Congressman report that he is taking no chances this holiday, and is eating Thanksgiving dinner alone in a small enclosed box where nobody can ask him questions.

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